Much Ado About Something

Do you get the giggles at places where you are expected to behave, like church for instance? A couple came to church and as the wife knelt down, her keys slipped out of her bag. She couldn’t reach out for them, but her husband did. While he bent down to pick them up like a gentleman, what came out from his posterior was far from gentlemanly! You guessed it, he farted! It was loud and need I dare say, smelly. He looked frightfully embarrassed while people around looked at him with disdain as if to say control your emissions fool. This was a weird ass situation (pardon the pun). But how in the world could he have controlled the gas while he bent, if it lurking within, bound to come out? Doesn’t everyone fart at some time or the other. Heck man, I have smelled terrible odors from nuns too, and while I would love to look at them disapprovingly, I refrain. A fart is just that, uncontrollable. While the priest was preaching, I got the giggles again. I looked across at the man who had a...

There are these new words and phrases that I hear when I turn on the television set and let me tell you that is one electronic device that feels the love I send it, every single day. I do enjoy using the smartphone, let me tell you, it is a marvel. As is the computer, the remote, and the other gadgets that are around. But before I go on about how electronics have taken over our lives let me get on with the words and the content thrown at us through the not so idiotic box. Here are some of these phrases, words and abbreviations. Let me fill you in on a little secret - I use them as often as I possibly can. Tee-Hee! • The new normal – we hear these three words. Earlier, the three words that I longed to hear were ‘I love you’ well since this is ‘the new normal’, I settle well with these three. Sigh. • The next on the list is ‘whataboutery’ a word that probably has been around for a while, but was not a part of my vocabulary. Today, when I speak and write, I throw this word in for good...

A group of friends were sitting together. Some started talking about religion, a couple of them yawned in disdain, but this proved to be rather interesting. “What is the big bang theory?” “Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur, happy kitty, ...." “Huh?” “Leonard, Penny, Sheldon, Howard, and Rajesh.” “Who?” “The Big Bang Group!” A blank stare. “So you don’t watch the program.” “Moving on…Does God exist?” “Of course He does.” “Then what about the big bang theory?” “It airs on Mondays, I think!” Blank blank blank stare leading to #@%#@%#@%#@% Have a rocking weekend me lovelies.

Agenda for the day: I am gonna nip swearing and all the nonsensical garbage that pops outta my mouth in the bud. Having said that …. I would rather take that back! Sometimes, giving into a good round of the F’s and B’s really gets me past the problem, especially when things really don’t go the way they should. Or someone annoys me no end. Or the presentation decides to close down. Or documents get washed away. Or … or… What would I do without “Or”? Well I probably would follow the route of no friends and many foes. Yeah no one has been at the receiving end of me cussing, mind you, and I would prefer it that way. What is the point anyways of calling a person a @#$% or anything nasty. Prefer to vent the frustration with a torrent of spiel on the walls, or the cuppa I gulp down or on myself even. Yeah right! Can hear the smarty pants out there saying “come on don’t kid yourself, you know you have ranted and raved at me!” Well all I can say is “Oops sorry, didn’t mean to…” ...

Ah the mango season, brings about a twinkle in the eyes of the ardent mango devotee! The pushcarts are laden with various kinds and the ‘specialist’ really knows which one to pick. On a visit recently with the doctor (who is a real chatterbox I must say) he went on about the positives about the fruit. Encouraging us to try the different varieties, one could not help noticing his love for the fruit - so unlike the others who never really advocate gorging on this yummy fruit. His advice was to weigh each fruit in our hands - the lighter the mango the lousier the fruit. Thanks doc, I followed the advice and must say the suggestion has certainly made us a happy lot with heavier silhouettes! I had visited him for an allergy attack ….. Chatterbox of a doctor, but the advice on the fruit was useful, and yeah the allergy is kinda taking a breather. Whew or what? It was really annoying to wake up one fine day and notice something strange - my lips were enormous – no collagen implants ...

Using a cuss word to describe something I think perhaps beats the actual meaning of the word itself! The simple nasty that takes over and going the entire hog is just such…. um pleasure. I have occasionally wondered about the actual meaning of the verb or adjective that is being endorsed. This form of speech has taken over and become common place far surpassing the flow of words that we can use instead. So, with the idea of turning over a new leaf, I decide that a positive change is the order of the day and let the ‘bleeping’ take a rest. Awaken to a new day with the incessant barking from the neighbor’s dog (yeah that one again – will this ever let up) whose main idea is to get my ‘bleeping’ going! Moving on from that near mishap the rest of the day goes rather well! Patting myself on the back at 20.00 hours realize that it’s time to bring out the bubbly and grade myself with an ‘A+’ for today. Pour myself a glass of chilled wine slip into a restful lazy position to enjoy a ...

My morning walk was crippled in fear when I heard an unfamiliar hiss - I nearly came face to face with a snake. Man was I petrified! Scary, huh? Moving on… To another sight … Something that we come across ever so often spoiling the scenery, are some men urinating everywhere and anywhere believing it’s their right to spray the walls at any given point. Yuck! Do these characters think that their need to let rip is their prerogative or something? Use the darn loo or just control yourselves until you reach one at least. Women do! Don’t these blokes control themselves when they travel abroad and conform to the norms of the country they visit? Keep on the zipper dude, get a grip and stop the darn tinkle. Every free space in the city isn’t for you to muck up, put the mouse back in the house!

I was brought back to reality sometime ago, when a sales girl at a departmental store had the nerve to call me 'aunty’-a salutation my nieces scoff at, considering they think that I’m the same age as them! Ignoring her (with the hope that she was addressing somebody else) I went about stacking up the grocery cart meekly adding anti-aging lotion to the list, paid the bill and got out of there as fast as my short legs could. On reaching home immensely irritated and feeling sorry for myself slapped on the lotion and let artificiality take over. Frankly, I don’t believe in all these creams and lotions but was drawn into this vortex of “bought” youth. A week goes by… I peer at the mirror and notice that I’m beginning to look a tad fairer if you may but nothing earth shattering! I then slap on more gunk …. and wait…and wait… and wait… Day 30 Nah nothing! I then decide that the product that I have been using has too many chemicals and jump on the herbal bandwagon, go vegetarian...